


Buzzfeed of Gotham

by alphaofallcats



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: #onlyingotham, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Fans & Fandom, Bruce Wayne is So Done, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Crack, Daddy Kink, Damian Wayne is Robin, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Duke Thomas is Signal, Explicit Language, Identity Porn, Implied/Referenced Sex, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Multi, Not Beta Read, Only in Gotham, Self-cest, Social Media, Stephanie Brown is Spoiler, Texting, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Tim Drake is Red Robin, Twitter, Vines, buzzfeed articles, do consistent maps of gotham exist, help him, i never put jason so i will add him now, kind of, references to The Office, where is anything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2019-08-21 21:23:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16584449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alphaofallcats/pseuds/alphaofallcats
Summary: Posted four minutes ago:Some girls yelled ‘Tim Drake is valid’ and Red Robin yells ‘Louder for the people in the back.’ Which only leaves one question: does Tim stan RR back? #OnlyInGotham #OnlyAtGothamU #TimPleaseLoveHim #BecauseBatmanDoesnt #SaveTheRobinsrandom drabbles of batfam social media nonsense.





	1. Tim Drake Is Valid

**Author's Note:**

> this entire fic is just going to be random batfam nonsense because I have needs

The first time Tim patrols around the campus, a bunch of buzzed frat boys wolf-whistle at him to come join their party for a drink. He isn’t sure how they saw him, really, but it doesn’t matter. He hops off the roof, jogs across the street, and is met with high fives and fist bumps.

He doesn’t stay, just takes the opportunity to sweep through the house, check if anyone is blackout drunk or looking drugged. No one is. He walks out after some more high fives and fist bumps.

When he wakes up the next morning, photos are circling social media in a whirlwind.

And he is _living_.

\----

“Tim Drake is valid!”

Tim spins on his heels, staring in the direction of the group of girls currently sharing french fries and coffee in the middle of the quad.

Midterms are always a magical time in Gotham. All the college kids hang around the campus late at night hoping Ivy will show up with some aphrodisiac to render them incapable of taking their exams the next day. So Red Robin patrols the campus on the ground, combing through the groups of students.

Honestly? He loves it. He gets free snacks (which Bruce nearly killed him over when he found out Tim actually eats handfuls of skittles and takes swigs from offered cans of energy drinks, but what college kid wants to poison Red Robin? He’s the _cool_ guy on campus.) He consoles numerous students that look ready to collapse from panic attacks. He becomes a living meme-lord, gets the dirt on new drug circles, judges dance parties on the sports fields, walks kids back and forth from the dorms to the library, talks shit about Batman, flirts with everyone, and reenacts vines. Not to mention, he can discreetly stroke his own ego.

He cups his hands and yells, “Louder for the people in the back!”

The girls laugh and giggle, and he turns back to continue his walk to the arts building. It’s a seven minute and forty-two-second walk, and once he gets there, someone runs up to him, holding out their phone.

Posted four minutes ago: **Some girls yelled ‘Tim Drake is valid’ and Red Robin yells ‘Louder for the people in the back.’ Which only leaves one question: does Tim stan RR back? #OnlyInGotham #OnlyAtGothamU #TimPleaseLoveHim #BecauseBatmanDoesnt #SaveTheRobins**

“What can I say?” Tim lifts his arms to hold up his cape as he twirls in a dramatic circle, and mockingly swoons, “his eyes are dreamy.”

“Seriously? His eyes?” the student laughs. “You’re not dreaming about him being sugar daddy material?”

It’s only years of practice that keeps him from tripping over his own feet, but he can't stop his voice from squeaking, “Don’t you think... he’s too... twinky?”

“And what does that got to do with anything? That guy totally has that power bottom vibe going on.”

Huh. Tim didn’t know this. Well, _he does_ , he just didn’t know people were able to get that feeling too.

God, he’s going to hate himself for this but— “I’d totally let him top me.”

\----

There’s a text from Bruce in the morning.

**Don’t ever make me read a headline like this again.**  
Buzzfeed: Red Robin Yums at Potential Sugar Daddy Tim Drake.

Tim doesn’t bother apologizing and leaves Bruce on read.


	2. Tim Drake Is Valid: The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updated tags and rating... the rating is mostly as a precaution  
>  ~~also ships if you squint~~
> 
> thank you to my dear commenter for the ideas <3

Posted six hours ago: GenericTimDrakeFanAccount: **@Tim-JD-Wayne so….. thoughts on Red Robin?**

\----

From: RGraysonBHPD@BHPDMail.com  
To: BruceWayne@WayneEnterprise.com  
Subject: **you really need to see this...**  
Message:

> Fifty Shades of Red: Chapter 3  
>  Tim stares at the skyline, uncertain and _nervous_. Is this really what he wants? Does he want to take this step? He prides himself on being professional, on treating others with respect, on doing the right thing. But this…
> 
> “You can say no,” Red Robin says, “it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, or, uh, coffee, in your case.” Then he laughs and smirks, something wicked and sexy and all too flustering, “ _Our_ case.”
> 
> “It’s not that,” Tim sighs, finally spinning on his heels. Red Robin looks all kinds of guarded and needy and it makes Tim want him more. “It’s just… your whole secret identity thing, won’t that be ruined?”
> 
> Red Robin takes a bold step forward. “I’m sure you can be persuaded, Mr. Drake,” he says, voice low, smooth, making Tim’s stomach pool with heat, “to keep a secret.” (via xxxRedRobinLoverxxx - Wattpad)

From: BruceWayne@WayneEnterprise.com  
To: RGraysonBHPD@BHPDMail.com  
Subject: **RE: you really need to see this…**  
Message:

> 1\. Don’t ever use your work email/my work email to send stuff like this; it’s unprofessional.
> 
> 2\. Don’t ever make me read something like that again.

\---- 

Jason: **look what i found….**  
Jason: **[attachment: CumFacialAlleywayBlowJobRRTD.png]**

Steph: **i’m so happy this exists [pink-sparkle heart emoji]**

Jason: **me tf too tho**

Steph: **ohhhhhhhh**  
Steph: **i found another**  
Steph: **[attachment: BottomRRTopTDDeskSex.png]**

Jason: **make a tumblr w/ me**

Steph: **fucking YES**

\----

Trending: **#BatmanDoesntLoveTheRobins**

Posted five hours ago: RandomGothamCitizen: **one time Spoiler asked for ice cream after patrol and Batman said no??? #BatmanDoesntLoveTheRobins #OrSpoiler #GoingToIncludeHer #OnlyInGotham**  
40 Retweets / 300 Likes

Posted five hours ago: RedHoodIsASinnamonRoll: **@Tim-JD-Wayne make all the gotham vigilantes your sugar babies… not like you can’t afford it #IAmLookingAtYouRedHood #MaybeIfYouCouldBuyASnickersYouWouldntBeSoAngry #GettingLaidWouldHelpToo #BatmanDoesntLoveTheRobins**  
300 Retweets / 1k Likes

Posted four hours ago: AverageGothamCitizen: **People Not From Gotham: ohhHhhhH batman is so scary ahHhhh People From Gotham: @ Batman wtf bro let lil robin adopt all the stray cats #BatmanDoesntLoveTheRobins #OnlyInGotham**  
5k Retweets / 15k Likes

Bruce is appalled, to be quite honest. So appalled that he considers buying Twitter just to shut it down.

\----

Posted four hours ago: RedRobinFanBoyz: **@Tim-JD-Wayne plz confirm do you stan RR yes or no**

\----

Steph: **apparently people ship everyone with everyone**

Jason: **I’ve been scrolling through some fanfic website**  
Jason: **majority of people write Spoiler as a FemDom**  
Jason: **usually paired with Red Robin or Red Hood or Batgirl**

Steph: **spicey**

\----

Posted three hours ago: EverythingRedRobin: **so who’s going to start the petition for @Tim-JD-Wayne to become RR’s sugar daddy**

Posted three hours ago: RedRobinRocksMySocks: **@EverythingRedRobin i think everyone is scared batman will track them down and come at them**

\----

Steph: **hey**  
Steph: **do you think that cum facial artist takes commissions?**

Jason: **omfg steph**  
Jason: **this is why you’re my favorite [black-heart emoji]**

Steph: **[smirking emoji] [winking emoji] [purple-heart emoji]**

\----

Bruce: **Fix this. Now.**

Tim’s first instinct is to reply **it’s not my fault!** but it totally is.

\----

Steph: **this artist takes commissions**  
Steph: **[attachment: RRUnderTheDeskBlowJobTDDuringMeeting.png]**

Duke: **hi steph**

Steph: **THAT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU**

Duke: **who was it meant for then [laughing-crying emoji]**

Steph: **Jason**

Duke: **[side-eyes emoji]**

Steph: **oh**  
Steph: **s h i t**  
Steph: **i mean**

Duke: **[side-eyes emoji]**  
Duke: **[side-eyes emoji] [side-eyes emoji] [side-eyes emoji]**  
Duke: **add me to a group chat**

\----

Posted one hour ago: xxxRedxxxTimxxx: **just saying i shipped it before all this happened and there’s lots of papz photos of Tim wearing RR shirts (almost as much as his Superboy shirt) (not to be confused with Lil Robin’s Superboy though)**

\----

Posted forty minutes ago: Richard_Wayne_Energy: **I can see everyone tagging me in posts. So many people are really hyped about this. However, there’s also a lot of hate going on and some things that are a little concerning. I’ve seen people crossing some lines. Please respect Tim’s privacy. It’s not okay to harass him or stalk him. Tim will talk about it once he’s ready.**  
3k Retweets / 4k Likes

\----

Jason: **i’m adding dick**

Duke: **you mean nsfw art or Grayson?**

Jason: **grayson**

Steph: **NO JASON PLEASE**

Jason: **shhhh**

Dick: **why is this group chat called Totally Not a Tim Selfcest Appreciation Chat**

Steph: **BECAUSE IT IS NOT**

Dick: **ok but scrolling up…**

Steph: **Jason wyd where’d you go**  
Steph: **DON’T LEAVE US HERE WITH DICK NO PLEASE**

Duke: **where’d he gooooo**

Steph: **JASON**

Jason: **shhhhhhhhh steph babe relax**  
Jason: **now**  
Jason: **Dick Mother Fucking Grayson [side-eyes emoji]**

Dick: **yessss?**

Jason: **[attachment: DickGraysonTweetScreenShot.png]**  
Jason: **cluemaster?**  
Jason: **seriously?**

Dick: **oops [blushing emoji] [angel emoji]**

\----

Damian: **Let me in the group chat**

Jason: **why**

Damian: **Let me in the group chat, Todd**

Jason: **dick would not want you seeing all that nsfw stuff**  
Jason: **you’re like ten**

Damian: **[red angry emoji]**

Jason: **[rolling-eyes emoji]**  
Jason: **fine**  
Jason: **but**  
Jason: **if you start shit or take screenshots and show bruce i’m kicking you out and putting a cap in your ass**

Damian: **Noted**

\----

Dick: **who added damian?**

Duke: **not me fam**

Steph: **JASON WHY DID YOU ADD DAMIAN**

Jason: **he asked**  
Jason: **and said he wouldn’t tattle**  
Jason: **don’t worry i threatened him**

Steph: **you threaten everyone though??**

Dick: **yeah, sorry jay**  
Dick: **we’re all immune at this point**

Jason: **well fuck you guys**

Damian: **[attachment: TDRRDomesticMorningCoffee.png]**

Duke: **[OK emoji] good shit**

Dick: **aww**

Steph: **fuck that is cute**

Jason: **^ i second that**

Damian: **[attachment: TDLeashCollarSubRR.png]**  
Damian: **[attachment: TDBondageWithTieSubRR.png]**

Dick: **o h**

Steph: **those**  
Steph: **are**  
Steph: **really nice**

Damian: **[attachment: TDRRComeEating.png]**

Jason: **that is**  
Jason: **yep**

Steph: **where are you finding these?**  
Steph: **they’re 10/10**

Damian: **I drew them**

Dick: **YOU WHAT!?**

\----

Tim finally opens twitter and types out his statement, then texts Bruce, **there, I said something** , and then immediately turns his phone off and shoves it in his desk.

Posted thirty seconds ago: Tim-JD-Wayne: **me: how am i going to fix this? also me: well you literally fucked your way into this mess you can fuck your way out**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm on [tumblr](https://alfred-play-despacito.tumblr.com)! also i was planning on making a social media edits blog / ask blog and now i'm thinking i should just cater it to this au... what do you think?
> 
>  **HEY EVERYONE!** The amazing Khachalala drew fanart for this fic!!!!! I'm still in awe, please go show it some love, you can see it [here!](https://buzzfeed-of-gotham.tumblr.com/post/181468067412/yes-i-just-found-this)


	3. The Buzzfeed Interviews #1: Tim and Damian Play With Kittens While Answering Fan Questions, Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was going to be longer but finals and writer's block. ~~and I've been stressing over how to write millennial Damian~~. oh well.
> 
> updated tags!!

Tim’s secretary, Pam, sends him a text at six in the morning (because she is efficient and basically his personal assistant at this point – she needs another raise) to remind him that she cleared his schedule so he can spend the day at Gotham’s Buzzfeed Office HeadQuarters.

Pam: **You need to be at BuzzFeed’s Office by 9am. Diamond District, near our WE Building.**

Tim: **I will try my best [blushing-smile emoji]**

A reasonable time later, once Tim’s awake and has his first cup of coffee, he decides to tease Instagram and let everyone know it’s finally the day he and Damian will be answering their fan questions.

\----

Pam: **Good Morning, Damian. I told Tim he needs to be at the BuzzFeed Office by 9am. You don’t actually have to be there until 10am.**

Damian: **Thank you.**

\----

“What in the actual fuck are you wearing?”

Damian smirks. “It’s my day out of the office, I can wear whatever I want.”

“Damian,” Tim says. “You look like a tool. A frat boy. High all the time, C’s get degrees, ‘send me nudes,’ lobotomized jock.”

Damian glares, “Alright, in that case, you look like a Vineyard Vines, yacht club, ‘I’ll fuck the caddy boy _and_ the pool boy just to get _Daddy’s_ attention,’ spoiled brat.”

“Well,” Tim says. “Would it get your attention?”

Damian’s eyes narrow, and he takes a moment to clear his throat before his voice falls husky. “Yes, _baby boy_ , it would.”

\----

Damian’s face lights up when the staff hands them kittens. Tim doesn’t know how many there are because they immediately begin crawling _everywhere_ and he loses track of them.

“I love them,” Damian says, picking three up and kissing each on the head. They meow (which sound more like squeaks, if Tim’s being honest) and struggle out of his hands, and he _grins_.

One that’s different shades of brown crawls onto Tim’s lap, tiny claws digging into his pants and he tries so hard to relax. His experience with cats has never been great, they always hiss at him, but nevertheless, he tries to be friendly.

“Hey, little guy,” he says, letting the kitten sniff his fingers. Then, it shifts forward and nibbles on his thumb and Damian leans closer to pet it gently.

“He’s teething.”

“Yep. I can see that.”

Two more climb onto his lap to also nip at him, but Damian picks them up and snuggles his face against them until they squirm. He puts them down, lets them take a few steps away before he picks them up and does it again.

The kitten in his lap climbs back down his leg and starts swatting at his shoelaces. His four hundred-fifty dollar Burberry shoelaces, but he hasn’t gotten hissed at so Tim counts it as a win.

\----

The interviewer behind the camera starts asking questions once Damian is content with all the photos Tim took for him. They spent way too much time messing around, Damian smothering the little, squeaky, fur balls, and Tim posting the photos to Instagram. But no one is about to tell Damian Wayne and Tim Drake to hurry up. The world just doesn’t work like that.

“We got a lot of fan questions,” she says. “Lots and lots of people wanted to know what your favorite Vines are.”

Damian looks up from collecting another horde of cats to hug and says, “Fr e sh a voca do.”

Tim responds immediately. “Welcome to Del Taco!” 

“Tim’s favorite vine is the guy, ‘I’m over this dumb ass school with these fake ass people… fucking bitch.’” Damian then looks at the camera guiltily and adds, “Pennyworth, if you’re watching this, I’m sorry.”

“That’s fifty bucks in the swear jar,” Tim tells him smugly.

"-Tt-." Damian glares but sounds resigned, “I’m sure you will keep a tally for me.”

Tim nods a promise and then looks back at the interviewer. “The runners-up are definitely anything with the Wii song.” He thinks for a moment before turning to Damian. “Wait! What about the one with the girls taking a selfie but they have the calculator open. Big mood.”

“What about the rest of your family?” the interviewer asks.

Damian is amazing at multitasking, Tim has always known this, but nothing can stop Tim’s awe at how Damian picks up a kitten, nuzzles it, then lets it go to find another one, keeping track of them so it happens in the same order. All that while also answering the question, “I don’t know Grayson’s favorite, but he is the vine of the little kid going, ‘Oh my god I love chipotle. Chipotle is my life.’ It’s supposed to be imitating a white girl, but in this situation, he is the white girl. Don’t let him tell you otherwise.” Damian freezes for half a second before quickly adds, “Well, he’s Romani. But sometimes acts like a white girl.”

The interviewer nods like she understands, so Tim explains, “What Damian is trying to say,” which Tim has become accustomed to saying more frequently, especially in WE meetings, “is no offense to his Romani heritage. Dick embraces his culture and _loves_ it, but he also sometimes, maybe, all the time embarrasses himself. Faux-hipster Starbucks-Instagram cliches. Which brings us to the vine, ‘What the fuck Richard,’ because that’s also him.”

“What do you think Pennyworth's would be?” Damian asks.

“I’d like to say on a really salty day, he is the vine, ‘I don’t get no sleep ‘cause of y’all.’”

Years of practiced teamwork both on the streets and in their high rise offices makes them perfectly in sync when they both clap and continue, “‘Y’all don’t get no sleep ‘cause of me.’”

Tim is honestly very proud. Damian’s come a long way from the obnoxious ten-year-old he used to be. He went from trying to kill him, to now being able to seamlessly embarrass their family name by quoting vines back and forth. Character development, he thinks.

“Bruce is the vine with the dude that was golfing," Tim says, trying not to laugh just picturing it, "and then he freaking falls in the pond, with Panic! at the Disco, _‘If you love me let me goooooo.’_ ”

The interview smiles at him, blushing just a little. “You have a nice singing voice.”

Before he could take the compliment, Damian says, “Oh, if you think his singing voice is nice you should hear him when he—” He stops himself abruptly, ducking his head down to hide his red cheeks in the kitten he’s holding. “Yeah, I’m not finishing that sentence.”

“Well, if that comment was headed in the direction I think it was, it’s a perfect transition for the next questions.” The interviewer shuffles some note cards before saying, “Time for Fuck, Marry, Kill.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the blog based on this fic is live, you can follow it [here](https://buzzfeed-of-gotham.tumblr.com)!
> 
> Instagram posts for this chapter are also [here](https://buzzfeed-of-gotham.tumblr.com/post/180498032012/tim-and-damian-play-with-kittens-while-answering). You can see Damian's outfit and all the cats. 
> 
> so, yeah, go send the blog asks or leave comments on here for FMK pairings because so far I only have two and I need more, or any other questions I can save for later too <3


	4. The Tim Drake Hostage Crisis

Gotham Gazette: Tim Drake Taken Hostage During WE Meeting

\- - - -

Tim slumps in the back of the van, sighing because _why is it always me?_

He shifts around, trying to get comfortable as he mentally keeps track of the direction his kidnappers are headed. Then he pouts, because he can. 

“I didn’t even get to finish my lunch.”

\- - - -

Gotham Gazette: No Major Injuries for WE Employees, Drake Still Missing

\- - - -

Tim doesn’t understand. This kidnapping isn’t one of Riddler’s elaborate puzzles. He knows exactly where he is (the boarded-up coffee shop Jason shut down two months ago because it was a front for some mafia drug lord or something.) He knows who took him (the small wanna-be group of amateur criminals that want to impress Bane.) And, honestly, Bruce could pay the ransom with his pocket change (is he really only worth five thousand? Ra’s would throw a fit.)

_What in the hecking heck is taking them so long?_

\- - - -

Daily Planet: Hostage Negotiations Nearing 4 Hours For Wayne Enterprise CEO

\- - - -

“This sucks,” he says.

“What did you fuckin’ say?” one of the thugs asks, boots loudly thudding as the man stomps — _stomps_! he _actually stomps_ , Tim hates his life — towards him.

“ _I said_ ,” Tim says, “my shoes are Berluti, my watch is Tom Ford, my tie is Burberry, and my cufflinks are Jan Leslie. Those alone total around three thousand. I could write you a check for twelve thousand if you just take this blindfold off.”

“No,” the thug says. “Now shut up.”

\- - - -

Gotham Gazette: Kidnappers Raise Ransom Price for Tim Drake

\- - - -

“Let me guess,” Tim says eventually. “You want to lure Batman out of the shadows?”

“I thought I told you to shut up?”

_Yes. That means yes._

“Right, sorry.” Tim wiggles his fingers, keeping circulation in his hands, even though he could get out of rope. Well, Red Robin could, Tim Drake can’t. “I forgot, no talking.”

\- - - -

Gotham Gazette: Commissioner Gordon to Involve Batman Later Tonight, Sources Say

\- - - -

Finally, _finally_ , the back windows break. Glass shatters and Tim can hear the thugs panicking.

“Oh, shit.”

“What do we do?”

“Fight them!”

“Please don’t,” Tim says, but unsurprisingly—

“Shut up!”

\- - - -

The blindfold is peeled off and Tim takes a moment to blink.

“Who—”

“I’m Red Robin, I’m here to rescue you.”

“Okay,” Tim says, because quite honestly he’s exhausted and just wants to go home and have a bath with Lush’s Sex Bomb and drink a few glasses of White Zinfandel. “Help me, Red Robin, you’re my only hoe.”

\- - - -

Tim’s bath is interrupted by a text from Bruce.

Bruce: **I go off planet for twelve hours.**

Tim already starts replying **it’s not like i wanted to be kidnapped!** but Bruce sends another message.

Bruce: **I thought we talked about headlines.**  
Buzzfeed: Relationship Confirmed: Tim Drake Calls Red Robin His Hoe After Hostage Rescue

Tim squints at the screen for a moment, shocked and a little unnerved. He replies **since when did you double text?!?**


	5. Damian In Fandom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this starts before the first chapter and progresses on, and then it's anybody's guess where the timeline is

His discovery happens by accident. 

The night is supposed to be easy recon. Get in, gather the intel, then leave. And he’s done petty break-ins before, so slipping in through the window is not the issue.

The issue is that he realizes, belatedly, he’s not in the bedroom of Mr. Gotham Socialite. No, he’s in the bedroom of Miss Gotham Socialite, Mr. Gotham Socialite's daughter. And the fact becomes glaringly obvious when he minimizes Facebook on Miss Gotham Socialite’s laptop and her background quite literally makes him jolt.

There he is. Feet dangling off a rooftop, Nightwing’s arm around his waist, Red Robin’s head resting on his shoulder, the sunrise gorgeous and romantic behind them. They’re sharing coffee and Nightwing’s smile is brighter than the light of the sun and Red Robin looks sleepy and warm and content and—

Later, he learns, there’s a name for it. 

_Fan Art_.

\- - - -

The discovery leads him to Tumblr, which is a place so scary it rivals the streets of Gotham, but Damian Wayne is not afraid of anything, okay? Fangirls and fanboys and fanpeople be damned.

 **Batman-and-Robin-Fan123** is the best he can come up with. The few years he was deprived of a childhood left him out of the loop of some pop culture memes, so he isn’t as creative as other people clearly are. But he is pretty okay with techy stuff, spends two nights staring at html code and is pretty proud of his theme.

And he thinks paying for a theme should be illegal. Why would they do that? This website is supposed to be for fun.

\- - - -

He takes it back. Tumblr is not fun.

\- - - -

> HC that Nightwing is really bad at cooking. Nightwing is well acquainted with GothamFD and lives on Hot Pockets and Pizza Bagels. Red Hood is domestic af and takes care of his dumbass boyfriend and cooks him dinner and makes sure he eats healthy food, “Nightwing you can’t have cereal for breakfast lunch and dinner stOP”

Wrong.

Well, okay, Dick loves cereal and Damian understands that it comes from a place of convenience and exhaustion, but Dick is self-sufficient when he needs to be, he grew up with Alfred, after all. 

Determined to defend Nightwing’s honor, he furiously begins typing.

> Hello, OP, do you take criticism? Nightwing is badass and takes down criminals for a living, so I 100% think he can sustain himself with more than Hot Pockets and Pizza Bagels. The man is a superhero; we should give him more credit. However, we could ponder that Red Hood is secretly a sap and loves spoiling his boyfriend with domestically romantic dinners.

Honestly, Damian should be disgusted with himself but on his list of morally wrong decisions, he can think of worse ways to spend his Wednesday nights.

\- - - -

Three months later, Damian tells himself he’s doing this for research. Keeping tabs on the public and what they say about the Batfam. Monitoring all the fansites for any suspicious activity. 

Damian _tells_ himself that, but he can’t _convince_ himself, and eventually he gives up on trying.

\- - - -

Damian knows how to be professional, but it doesn’t stop the way he internally squirms next time he sees Tim.

All he can think about is the one art of Red Robin on his knees in some alley, cheeks and domino sticky with cum as he stares up at Robin, mouth open, tongue flat, lips swollen, drooling and whimpering as he palms his own cock after giving Robin the best blow job of his life—

Shit.

_No. Cease this train of thought._

That isn’t real. That isn’t the best blow job of Damian’s life, he’s never even _been_ in that position, but damn it all to hell because... he knows it would be the best blow job of his entire fucking life. 

“You alright?” Tim asks, eyeing him wearily over his cup of coffee.

“Yes,” he says, tearing off a piece of donut and stuffing his mouth to keep himself from saying anything mortifying.

\- - - -

Five months into his adventure of the Batfam Fandom, a new idea starts circulating.

Catlad. Or Kitten, or Stray, whichever name is preferred. Someone’s fanfic about Tim Drake being taken in by Catwoman once Jack and Janet died, circulates all over tumblr. She coaches him to become a schmoozing socialite during the day, securing his place in WE, and a world-renowned thief by night. Sometimes overlapping the two during longsuffering galas and parties.

Damian promptly changes his tumblr url to **CatLad-Is-My-Kink**.

\- - - -

They burst into his room without knocking.

“We’re staging an intervention!” Dick says, but it’s not mad or condescending, there’s a lilt in his voice and he says it in a sing-song way that would be adorable if Damian isn’t so confused.

“What.”

Tim holds up a stack of papers, looking smug, dropping them on his desk and bringing his coffee mug up to his lips (Damian’s favorite coffee mug, and Tim’s mouth closes around the edge with a smirk as he takes a sip, the pale of his throat looking tantalizing as he swallows—)

“What is that?” he asks, eyes flicking to the papers, trying not to squirm, clutching his sketchbook closer to hide the nearly-finished sketch of Tim Drake collaring Nightwing— 

“This,” Tim says, poking the stack, “is your internet history.”

Damian swallows, “I can explain.”

“Good,” Dick smiles, sugar sweet and devious, “because we have all night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember to check me out on [tumblr](https://buzzfeed-of-gotham.tumblr.com) for more buzzfeed au nonsense


	6. Pokémon Cops and Robbers

It’s a 2005 (rare) Japanese (Tim knows Japanese and Damian said it’s because he’s a weeb) Umbreon (black demon cat fox) Gold Star Holo (rainbow sparkle) Pokémon (Digimon? YuGiOh?) _whatever_ , that Tim spent nearly $20,000 (“Was this necessary?” “Yes”). 

It’s that. That thing. That Bruce still doesn’t understand but accepts as a part of his son. (Tim wants to be buried with it.) And they use it to play Cops and Robbers.

And today Bruce is a robber. And he’s trying to pass the card off to Jason. But Dick is onto him. 

“Jason,” he says, trying for the casual Brucie smile. Claps him on the shoulder and Jason jerks away, makes it look natural, but knicks the card.

Dick pushes his way through the crowd and Bruce asks, “How are you?”

Jason scowls, eyebrows scrunching and lips curling, and he grabs Bruce’s champagne glass, gives the card _back_ after he downs the rest and says, “Awful. Worse now. Goodbye.”

He bolts away to the buffet table to hide behind Alfred and Dick beelines for him.

Crisis, smoothingly, averted.

(Later, Dick will light up when he catches wind of their seamless teamwork. Jason will deny it and Bruce will grumble and the charade will continue—

and Jason will hole up in a safehouse for a few days and then come back to the cave with some excuse of recreating vines with Tim. Or practicing Russian with Damian, or yoga with Dick. B-Rated horror film marathons with Cassandra, or tumblr with Stephanie, or Super Smash with Duke. Or Dungeon and Dragons with them all in the library. Or tea with Alfred.

Never anything with Bruce but that’s okay because he’s _home_. That’s enough.)

Bruce meanders a bit until he gets pulled into a conversation with one of the more tolerable guests.

“Hello, Mz. Alex, last we spoke you were starting your rose garden, how is it coming along?”

Tim comes up to him with goddamn stars in his eyes and he’s a little tipsy, but Bruce doesn’t have room to talk, he was up to much worse at Tim’s age.

“Alex,” Tim says, “It’s been far too long, how’s the rose garden?”

Mz. Alex blushes and bats their eyelashes at _both_ of them and Tim takes the card and excuses himself a moment later to start a half conversation with someone else. And the card carries on to Damian, who passes it to Duke, who passes it back to Jason, who gives it back to Bruce.

“I bet Damian an animal trafficking case that we would win so don’t fuck this up.”

Bruce passes the card back. That’s a lot of pressure, and he’s Bruce right now, not Batman, he can enjoy the way his kids play up his aloof incompetence. “He’ll find a way to work on the case anyway, you know.”

“Stubborn and invasive,” Jason huffs. “Like his father.”

“Like his brother,” Bruce says, like Jason doesn’t have a list of every safehouse everyone of them owns. Or Stephanie’s class schedule memorized. Or know the name of Cass and Damian’s favorite vegan smoothie place.

Jason pointedly ignores the comment, says, “Steph at your four.” He darts away again, and Steph falls for it just like Dick. And Bruce pockets the card until Damian comes to retrieve it because Tim’s itching to see it again and Damian’s the best at handoffs.

The ballroom clears by 11 (bless Alfred) and Stephanie coaxes a piggyback ride from Jason because her feet hurt from wearing her heels all night. He carries her up to one of the guest rooms that’s basically become her own. She grumbles about losing the whole way up and Bruce can hear Jason telling her she should have known better than to team up with Dick. Duke and Damian follow Tim to the kitchen to make tea and coffee and eat the rest of the leftover cookies. Dick heads down to the cave to suit up and go run patrol with Cassandra (it was her lucky turn to skip out on the Gala.)

“Master Bruce.” Bruce turns to Alfred, accepts the glass of water and lets Alfred reprieve him of the half-empty flute of champagne. “The evening seemed quite successful, if I do say so myself.”

He thinks about Jason and Steph settling in the guests rooms, how even with the strains he has with both of them they still carved out a corner in the Manor to call home. Thinks about Cassandra pleasantly happy to not have to deal with reporters, patrolling Gotham (the most fit and deserving to take the Cowl one day, if she wishes). Thinks about Dick rushing out to spend some time with her. Thinks about the boys no doubt causing trouble in the kitchen.

“Yes,” he says. “I agree.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce loves his children. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.


End file.
